TEN MOVIES IN WHICH WOMEN SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT
Over the years I have watched countless fight between women in the movies. I have also seen many lists of “the greatest catfights.” Most of these lists are a bit limited in their range of movies and virtually unlimited in their definition of catfight. No two lists are ever the same for two main reasons. The number of movies viewed by the compiler differs widely and taste varies a great deal. I was briefly tempted to make up a list of my own but rapidly discarded the idea. There are already enough to go around. I decided instead to do something completely different. I’ve made up a list of movies that should have had catfights in them. This is only my personal opinion and I expect others will come up with alternatives.
I have been disappointed in many movies over the years that could have taken the catfight course. What looks like a promising fight is brewing only to be wrecked by the script taking off in a different and frequently totally illogical direction. I have restricted the list to those movies that would have been improved by a catfight. There are some who may have liked to watch the Queen beat up Wallace Simpson in The King’s Speech. Sorry not on the list as I thought that would be a step too far. There is a wide variety of films in my list but I did try not to get too carried away. I could easily have included more as RED and Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull only just missed the cut. I also restrict myself to fairly recent movies.
The plan is to separate my ten movies into 5 sections, depending on how much rewriting I have to do.
10-9 the catfight is set up and ready to go but for some stupid reason the girls don’t deliver.
8-6 two suitable girls are in the movie, they are natural enemies but there is no suitable opportunity to fight.
5-4 these are movies that need a bad girl. With such a character a fight would be inevitable.
3-2 the movies start with a promising clash being hinted at but the script goes off on a different direction.
1 – Burn the script, fire the writers and start again from the original source material.
ALL SET UP AND READY TO GO
10 –PINK PANTHER 2 (2009)
Emily Mortimer as Nicole Durant versus Aishwarva Rai Buchchan as Sonia Solandres
Contain spoiler information
Not a particularly funny movie although Steve Martin as Jacques Clouseau does his best. The two girls meet early in the movie and are natural rivals. They are on the same side as they are both part of a team that has to solve a series of daring robberies. On a more personal level there is some jealousy verses contempt going on. It is no real surprise when one of them turns out to be a thief. At the end of the movie bad girl Sonia has good girl Nicole at gunpoint. The good girl does not have her hands tied, they are about the same size and they should be well matched in terms of fighting ability. It all looks very promising until Clouseau gets shot by Sonia. The good girl breaks free, rushes over to him and says: “she has shot you,” or something equally stupid.
|Aishwarva and Emily in "Pink Panther 2"|
He already knows that you dumb bitch. Instead of making idiotic statements why didn’t you grab her gun hand so she doesn’t shoot anyone else? Sink your teeth into her wrist to make her drop it. Punch her in the head, kick her ass, wrestle her to the floor and then fight her for all your worth as the men cheer you on.
I think a climatic catfight would have worked a lot better than the actual lame ending we had to put up with. Since this is a comedy the fight can be played for laughs with just as much stuff getting broken as in the original. I especially like huge punches that will send a girl flying over a table without getting hurt. Another move that works well in this sort of situation is for one girl to grab the other and run along a table. This clears the table and infuriates the girl on it. A certain amount of food fighting could fit right in as well as they mess each other up. I like the idea of Nicole insisting that she has the arrest under control. During the fight she is asked several times if she wants any help. She refuses each time as they battle their way from room to room. The hotel manager is frantic with worry about the damage. A rich Arab promises to pay for the damage but only if nobody interferes. Nicole is still refusing help right up to the point where it is too late. Sonia wins the fight, much to the Arab’s delight, and is promptly arrested. Their fight has wrecked the hotel. While there is some damage to clothing it is not enough to change the censor’s classification.
|Aishwarva and Emily in catfighting dresses|
I am not familiar with Aishwarva Rai Buchchan movies although I do remember seeing her playing a very striking warrior woman in The Last Legion. I understand that she is very big in Bollywood. Not giving her a decent fight scene at the end of the Pink Panther is a waste of her talent. Nicole is a worthy opponent but I think that Sonia should win the fight. She has this deliciously dangerous look about her which makes me think that if the two actresses went at it for real, you would get the same result. As to why such an obvious fight was ignored, I have a theory. When a movie has a star in the main role he has to be involved in the climax. The Producers don’t want him upstaged by the bit players. Either that or they just didn’t think of it.
– Look honey, your ex-girlfriend
has just turned up. Piss off, he is my
man now. Alice
is alone in her classroom when Amy
comes to see her. Elizabeth
– What do you want? Elizabeth
gets up from her desk and moves to
confront her rival. The two girls stand
hands on hips, glaring at each other. Elizabeth
– Did you just threaten me? Elizabeth – I don’t let anyone get away with
calling me dumb. (Slap to the face) Elizabeth
– We are going to give a
demonstration on self defence for the students and decided we should rehearse a
few moves. You didn’t think it was a
real fight did you? She giggles at the suggestion. Elizabeth – That sounds good to me. Elizabeth
9- TRANSFORMERS II REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009)
Megan Fox as Mikaela Banes vs Isabel Lucas as Alice
Not having a catfight in this movie is absolutely ridiculous. They went to all the trouble of setting it up only to have one girl run away. I’ll start with a quick run down of how it played out on screen. Our hero Sam Witwick played by Shia LaBeoat is at college where Alice, a beautiful blonde hits on him. His girlfriend Mikaela, who is supposed to be tough and feisty sees them together and runs away. This is after driving half way across the country to see him. Our hero chases after her, the blonde chases after him. The script writers forget which franchise they are writing for and go into a scene from Terminator. All the flesh comes off
and she turns into a skeleton robot that gets run over by a car. What a load of crap. Alice
First of all I would have a tiny robot that is controlled by a big robot, climb into
’s ear. Apart from that she is all women. Leave the set up as it is. The difference happens when Mikaela arrives. Alice
|Megan Fox & Isabel Lucas|
Mikaela – Hey bitch, get your paws off my man.
Mikaela – We’ll soon see about that.
Sam – Stop it girls I don’t want you to fight over me.
Two students grab him from behind.
First student – Don’t be so selfish everyone else does.
Second student – Can I have the loser.
The girls are not trained in martial arts so this would be an old school catfight. There is a lot of hair pulling and rolling around with a few punches thrown in for good measure. After a fierce wrestle for control Mikaela gets on top to stay. Grabbing her rival by the hair she hammers her head on the floor until the little dazed robot staggers out of
ear. Sam stomps on it before anyone else
gives in and Mikaela is declared the winner. Alice
I thought the first Transformer movie was superior to this one mainly because there was more involvement of the people. A good catfight would definitely help the film but would fail to save it unless more changes were made later on. Mikaela is in the movie as eye candy and is not allowed to do anything else. I find this very annoying. She wants to be with Sam when he goes against the robots despite spending all her time running away from them whenever one turns up. The trend continues all through the film and it was no surprise to me when the character was dropped for the next film in the franchise.
2 SUITABLE GIRLS IN THE SAME MOVIE BUT NO ACTION
8 – BAD TEACHER
Cameron Diaz as Elizabeth Halsey vs Lucy Punch as Amy Squirrel
This is a comedy that has some funny scenes in it but falls well short of the humour of its predecessor Bad Santa. I think the reason for this is that it is not outrageous enough. That should be easy enough to fix. What could be more outrageous than two female school teachers fighting while students and teachers alike cheer them on? There is no need to change anyone’s character. They have opposite views on education and are natural enemies even before they both go after the same man, Scott who is played by Justin Timberlake. All it takes is a bit of setting up. Amy tries to attack
towards the end of the film but is
prevented as you would expect. I would
have the fight earlier. There are
several verbal clashes and I would have developed one of them something like
|Cameron Diaz and Lucy Punch|
Amy – I’ve come here to tell you to stay away from Scott or get far more trouble than you can handle.
Amy – Of course I did you dumb bitch.
Amy – So why do you insist on proving it. (Returns the slap)
There is a short pause after which both women go for the others throat for a mutual strangulation grip. They stagger around for a few seconds during which some furniture gets knocked over. Attracted by the noise the Principal enters the room and cries out in horror at what he sees.
Principal – Stop it both of you. What do you think you’re doing?
Reluctantly the two women separate. Amy stands sheepishly trying to think of a suitable excuse.
completely in character always has a ready answer. Elizabeth
Principal – Oh that is a relief. When are you planning to give this demonstration?
Amy – (not wanting to be left out) If the gymnasium is available I was hoping we could do it there after school.
Principal – I think this is an excellent idea. We live in violent times and it is important that a young lady knows how to defend herself. I will go and make the arrangements and look forward to seeing you both there.
The word goes round the school like wild fire. Everyone except the Principal and Scott knows it is going to be a real fight. Not as unreasonable as it sounds as Scott is played as naïve and innocent. The other teachers lay bets on who is going to win. The students go along to support Amy. They get a very good turn out. The two women get changed into shorts and t-shirts and keep up the pretence that it is a teaching demonstration by making comments to the crowd. They start by trash taking and when
attacks Amy is able to throw her to the floor.
She explains that making your enemy angry so that they make a stupid
clumsy attack is a good way to start. Elizabeth gets up and
attacks from behind, knocking Amy down with a spear tackle. She explains that it is important not to turn
your back on your enemy until you are sure that you have won. A better tactic is to kick the shit out of
them while they are down. Elizabeth gets up and proceeds
to do so. Elizabeth
After a couple of kicks Amy grabs a foot and throws Elisabeth to the floor. They roll around for a bit before getting to their feet to trade punches. Amy explains that it is important to put your weight behind a punch.
demonstrates how to throw a combination.
She is soon getting the better of the exchanges. The students cheer Amy on and make a few
suggestions while they are at it. She
takes their advice and the fight gets down and dirty. Amy starts off on top but this is Elizabeth ’s natural way
of fighting and she wins by a knock out.
Unfortunately for her Scott goes to tend to her defeated rival. She is
however consoled by her friends who have won money by betting on her. Elizabeth
7 – TAXI (2004)
Jennifer Esposito as Lt Marta Robbins vs Gisele Bundchen as Vanessa
While a catfight is not specifically set up, it would not take much of a plot change to do so. It would also make perfect sense if one erupted and I would have loved to watch these two go at it. As the police lieutenant in charge of the investigation and the leader of the criminal gang these two girls are natural enemies. The movie was never destined to be a classic but a decent fight at the end would at least have given it a good finish. The capture of Vanessa was an anti-climax and instantly forgettable. It could have been so much better.
|Gisele Bundchen & Jennifer Esposito in "Taxi"|
I like variety and a certain level of reality. These two women would know how to fight and a reasonable level of martial arts could be demonstrated. I would not care who wins. I’ve seen this scenario done effectively. The female police officer and her partner chases after the female criminal. The bad girl goes into hiding. The cops separate the man chasing off in a different direction leaving Marta to approach the hiding place alone. Vanessa doesn’t wait to be discovered, she pounces on the approaching cop, disarming her in the process. A savage but skilful fight begins with the two women trading blows. It ends in a knockout just as the partner return wondering what all the noise was about. If the bad girl has won he arrests her. If the good girl has won she will be reading Vanessa her rights.
“You have the right to remain unconscious. If you give up that right anything you say can and will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you.”
– I don’t take orders from a copy
even if they are pointing a gun at me. C.A. – I know you’re not going to use
the gun so why don’t you put it down and try and make me.. C.A. – Yes I did and a real woman would
accept without hesitation. C.A.
– I know you have never fought like
this before. Would you like me to
explain the rules to you first? C.A. – There aren’t any, right punch to the belly, you clueless
clone, left hook to the jaw. C.A.
6 – THE
Scarlett Johasson as Jordon Two Delta vs Noa Tisby as the Community Announcer
I found this rather a pretentious movie. The publicity surrounding it made claims that it was a science fiction movie that warned of the dangers of cloning. In reality I found there to be very little in the way of science and a lot of things which are totally illogical. As an action flick it has its moments although at least one more decent fight scene would have been greatly appreciated.
We only see the Community Announcer as a face talking on a TV monitor. What a waste. It would be easy to build up her character into an arrogant control freak who thinks of the clones as cattle being bred for the slaughter. This is how they are treated although the real purpose of the facility is kept from them. Jordon’s friend Lincoln discovers the truth and the two clones escape. In the climax of the movie they return to try and free the rest of clones. I see nothing wrong with that I would simply take it one step further. Jordon goes to confront the announcer and demand that she tells the other clones that their lives have been a con trick. There is safety not danger outside and they should run for their lives or they will be killed. She threatens the announcer with a gun.
|Scarlett and Noa|
Jordon – You will get on that transmitter right now and tell everyone the truth.
Jordon – I’m a lot more than just a copy. I am as much a woman as you are so do what I say or else.
Jordon – Did you just challenge me to a fight?
Jordon smiles as she empties the bullets from the gun. She has always enjoyed the virtual reality boxing bouts (shown in an earlier scene) and this sounds even more exciting. She is also aware of a raw emotion she has never experienced before. Jordon has an overwhelming desire to hurt this woman who is taunting her. This must be what they call hatred she thinks as she raises her fists exhilarated at the prospect of combat..
Jordon – Oh yes please. Lowers her fists to go over and listen to the announcer.
Jordon is sent tumbling to the floor. Within a heartbeat the announcer pounces on her, grabs he long blonde hair with her left hand and starts raining punches with the right. Although taken completely by surprise Jordon recovers quickly and fights back. She smashes an elbow into her attacker’s face and grabs her rival’s right wrist to stop the blows. A good start but the announcer is still on top. With her free hand Jordon grabs whatever she can for leverage and heaves with all her strength. Jordon also pushes with her locked up hand and rolls on top of her rival. The shirt she had grabbed tears under the pressure. If you didn’t see that coming you’re probably too young to be visiting this site.
The announcer explodes with fury. That was her favourite shirt. She grasps Jordon top and throws all her weight to the side. Locked together the two girls roll across the room and back. Their desperate fight fills the air with the thud of fist of flesh, the ripping of cloth, cries of pain and the grunts of supreme effort. Slowly Jordon starts to get the better of the fight. The announcer is on the bottom but manages to buck Jordon off and get to her feet. The blonde also stands and the two girls start to circle. They are panting for breath and their ruined clothing hang in taters from their beautiful bodies, but not for long. Damaged outfits impeded movement. Angrily the girls complete the destruction, ripping themselves bare to the waist. Hot and moist from the exertions of the fight both bodies welcome the chance to cool down a bit.
They hear sounds from outside drifting into the room. The announcer knows that the facility is doomed. The cushy job she has had for the last few years is at an end. Her future is bleak if she is unable to escape in the confusion. She gathers all her strength and hurls herself at Jordon’s throat. The blonde senses the attack is coming and grabs her rival by her wrists and pushes them each to the side. There is a sensual slap of flesh on flesh as the bodies meet. Still on their feet the girls struggle for control. Jordon finds the slow motion grinding of breast against breast strangely stimulating. Angrily she changes from pushing forward to stepping back. The announcer stumbles forward to be helped on her way by Jordon grabbing her from behind, sending her desperate rival crashing into the wall. The announcer bounces off and half turns into a right hook to the jaw that knocks her unconscious. Jordon has won the fight.
I realise that a fight like this is not to everyone taste. This is my personal view of how it should have gone down but would have no problem with bras staying on for censorship reasons. I would have been almost as happy with any kind of good fight. What struck me as to why it would be appropriate that outer clothing should be removed for the climax of the fight is that Jordon is on a voyage of discovery. She is finding out about her artificially suppressed sensuality. Her clothing symbolises inhibitions which need to be removed if the full potential of the individual is to flourish. The community announcer’s clothing represents her veneer of superiority. The clones all had to wear the same uniform. To have free choice of clothing defined the staff as being better than them. When she has to do battle with Jordon this no longer applies. The best she can hope for is life as a fugitive, as she flees the threat of prison for her part in the crimes the facility has committed. The girls are fighting as equals for the most basic and primitive of instincts. They are fighting for survival and it is appropriate that attire should correspond to the primeval nature of their struggle.
Well that’s my story anyway and I’m sticking to it.
Technically speaking I doubt if Jordon and the others qualify as clones. They are duplicated that mature mentally far too quickly. This oversight does however pale into insignificance when compare with the sin of not maximising the catfight potential of the cast.
URGENTLY WANTED –SMOKING HOT BAD GIRL
5 - AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER (2002)
Beyonce Knowles as Foxxy Cleopatra vs Goldmember’s beautiful blonde girlfriend or girlfriends
This is a movie that suffers badly from not having a bad girl. What makes this omission even crazier is that the film starts off with some bad girls featured as girlfriends of Goldmember. Unfortunately when he travels through time he leaves them behind. One of these would have done just fine not only as a catfighter but also as a source for humour. The movie needs another character not played by Mike Myres. Another odd thing they do is to have Beyonce’s character as a composite of characters played by Pam Grier and Tamara Dobson both of whom frequently fought other women in their movies.
|Beyoncé in Goldmember|
Pam Grier is a true icon of catfighting. I haven’t seen all her movies but I have seen the catfights from; The Big Dolls House, The Big Bird Cage, Black Mama White Mama, Coffy, The Arena, Sheba Baby and Foxy Brown. The last mentioned has another similarity apart from the name. They have the same hair style. The surname Cleopatra obviously comes from the two Cleopatra Jones movies starring Tamara. Both Cleopatra Jones movies have catfights in them.
Thinking on how to set the fight up brings up the subject of fighting ability. The character of Foxxy Cleopatra has martial arts skills so her opponent must also have such skills to make it a fair fight. This would be strange to find in a dancer so an alternative scenario might be preferable as shown in the Pam Grier movie Coffy. In this version our heroine is attacked by a group of girls and she beats them up. In the movie Coffy Pam Grier also strips most of her attackers to the waist, but unfortunately I don’t think this would be acceptable in an Austin Powers movie.
4 - NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 – BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN
Apart from this scene and the others involving Vicky the rest of the movie can go unmolested. Overall it’s not a bad movie and I think the action can be increased without altering the censorship rating.
Amy Adams as Amelia Earhart vs an unknown actress as Vicky Vice
I felt rather sorry for Amy Adams in this movie. She plays the part of feisty adventure loving Amelia Earhart well, but has nobody to play against. The Ancient Egyptian who has started all the trouble is a wonderful character who hams it up to the max. He has Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun, Al Capone and Napoleon as allies. All four characters are unrealistic, boring and come complete with non entity henchmen. It would add a bit of much needed spice to the story if one of the henchmen was replaced by a henchwoman. . My pick is to have a beautiful female gangster called Vicky Vice, come along as a member of Al Capone gang. The name comes from a costume company and I think they are most attractive. The authenticity is dubious so I would not object too strenuously if she wore something else. The important thing is that she is in the movie.
|Amy Adams in Night at the Museum 2|
The movie itself is clearly designed for family entertainment and I see no reason to change that. It was not however as good as the first and for a movie that contains the word battle in its sub title there it is very short of fighting of any kind. I also detected what I refer to as padding in it. These are scenes that don’t seem to add anything to the movie apart from length. I would have liked to have seen more of the Egyptian who takes charge of the bad guys. The character of Kahmunrah is completely over the top, funny and well worth some more screen time. It would have been great if he had someone to flirt with. This is why I would add Vicky as a member of the Capone gang rather than Capone’s girlfriend. It gives her more freedom of action.
This addition would mean that the two girls could spark off each other through the film. When they first meet insults are traded about how the other is dressed. Vicky mistakes Amelia for a man. Amelia thinks Vicky is just a gangster’s “good time girl,” instead of a genuine member of the gang. Insults lead to threats although they are separated before it gets physical. The audience knows that it is only a matter of time.
At the end of the original movie there is a rather half hearted mass fight between the two sides but poor Amelia, who is obviously itching for a good scrap has got nobody to tangle with apart from boring henchmen. This isn’t fair. It is however fair to assume that Amelia is keen for a fight because she knows how. We see her along with Custer leading the charge and then we pretty much lose sight of her. Instead of that we get a lame scene where Larry, the central character played by Ben Stiller, has a heart to heart talk to Custer about the deep meaningful psychological reasons as to why he is not involved in the brawl. Not knowing the answer to the more obvious question as to why Larry is not getting involved either is only one of the reasons I would cut this scene and substitute one of my own.
The scene would have Custer being harassed by Vicky Vice. She is hitting him but he won’t hit her back.
Vicky – What’s the matter cowardly Custer. I thought you wanted to fight.
Custer – Really madam I must protest. My code of honour prevents me from striking a lady.
Vicky – What has that got to do with me? I ain’t no lady.
Amelia – Stand aside General Custer.. This is woman’s work. Leave her to me.
Vicky – Oh good the fly girl has come out of hiding. You want a piece of me, come and get it.
Amelia raises her fists high in classic boxer style of her period. Vicky comes in swinging. She knows how to hit but has no idea about defence. Amelia ducks the first right hook and blocks the left. She follows this up with three left jabs to the face that drives her rival back. Vicky attacks again. This time she scores a glancing blow to the head as Amelia sets up her counter attack. She buries her left fist in Vicky’s belly and then nails her with an uppercut to the jaw. The gangster is sent sprawling to the floor. Round one goes to the pilot. Amelia stands there looking down on her enemy.
Amelia – Just as I thought. You are a lot better at talking than you are at fisticuffs. Get back up, there is plenty more where that came from.
Vicky gets into a crouching position, but doesn’t get back on to her feet. She attacks by spring low and hard taking Amelia’s legs out from under her. Locked together the two girls crash to the floor with Vicky on top. They roll over a couple of times before the gangster gets a decisive advantage. She half undoes Amelia’s jacket and pulls it from behind. This effectively pin the poor pilot’s arms to her body at the elbow. Amelia is helpless and Vicky makes the most of her advantage. She keeps the jacket in place with one hand as she grabs Amelia by the hair with the other and starts banging her head on the floor. Amelia is able to protect her face but can’t stop a couple of head knocks. Desperately Amelia rolls and is able to twist free of her rival’s grip. She gets back on her feet but has to concede that round two has gone to the gangster.
Vicky – Just as I thought. You are a lot better at fighting like a man than fighting like a woman.
Amelia – Very well you low life trollop. If I have to come down to your level to beat you, then so be it.
Ajmelia’s body language is equally eloquent. She finishes unzipping her jacket. She takes it off and tosses it aside. With a very determined look on her face she advances to the attack. The third round starts with Amelia trying to punch Vicky but getting caught up in a clinch. Locked together once more the two girls crash to the floor after Vicky has leg tripped her adversary. Amelia is no longer trying to escape and both girls fight ferociously as they roll across the floor. Several men stop their own feeble efforts to watch, cheering on their respective champions. The girls wrestle and pull hair as they trade punches. Amelia is hitting harder and gets the better of the exchanges. Vicky breaks off the battle and tries to make a run for it. Amelia goes after her and flattens her with a flying tackle around the waist which drives the gangster girl head first into a wall, leaving her dazed. Amelia stands and places a foot on her beaten foe.
Amelia – Not so tough now eh Vicky Wimp?
PROMISING START – WEAK FINISH
3 – THE FLINTSTONES (1994)
Elizabeth Perkins as Wilma Flintstone vs
as Miss Sharon Stone Halle
This movie ok out never really shows the imagination that would truly do justice to the original cartoon. It is very light on the satire and use of extinct animals for a multitude of purposes that made the cartoon so appealing to many adults. I would have loved to see a Brachiosaur, called Brontosaurus in the original, used by the police to generate tear gas in the form of dino-fart. I think it is reasonable to assume that this would be effective. The police lieutenant could be called something like Harry Dirtystone.
The movie makes a promising start when Fred Flintstone is appointed to head the company. This is only done so that he can become the unwitting fall guy as crooks rip the company off. Miss Stone is his secretary and her main duty seems to be to prevent Fred from reading papers before he signs them. This is what she is doing in her introduction when Wilma walks in with Pebbles. Wilma is obviously not impressed with what she sees but apart from getting her to show more emotion the scene is fine just the way it is.
|Halle Berry and Elizabeth Perkins|
While the movie from then on is all right up to a point the rivalry between Wilma and Miss Stone is never developed. For some strange reason Miss Stone deserts her partners in crime to become a good girl. Some of the remaining scenes could be left in as long as Miss Stone remains a bad girl to the bitter end builds on her rivalry with Wilma. She should wear a smaller outfit in each successive scene that she is in. Towards the end of the movie she is truly stripped for action. She comes into Fred’s office looking for a file. Fred tells her he took it home last night and it must be still there. Miss Stone is apparently unconcerned and tells Fred that tomorrow will do. This is a lie as she immediately leaves work to go and collect the file.
It is only when the cops arrive to arrest the crooks that Fred realises that the file is evidence and Miss Stone is on her way to his home to collect and destroy it. Fred runs to his car, leaps into it and heads for home at high speed. He gains on Miss Stone but he can’t catch her, she has too big ahead start. She arrives at the Flintstone home expecting trouble. She gets a big caveman club from the car before walking up to the door. She is expecting a hostile reception.
Miss Stone – Hello, are you at home Mrs Flintstone.
Wilma –Why Miss Stone what a pleasant surprise. Do come in and please call me Wilma.
Rosetta – Thank you Wilma, I’ll be happy to but only if you call me Rosetta.
Seeing no further need for the club Rosetta puts it beside the door before entering. Wilma is trying on a new skimpy outfit she has just bought and asks Rosetta’s advice. Wilma explains that she has decided that since Fred likes the way Rosetta dresses so much it was time to change her own look. The secretary pretends to approve and then asks politely for the file. Wilma pretends to look for it. She knows more than she lets on. She has read the file and understood it well enough to alert the police. She also knows that Fred is on the way. Wilma’s stalling tactics are going well until Pebbles gets helpful and collects the file from where she saw her mother hide it earlier.
Pebbles- Is this what you are looking for mommy.
Rosetta – I’ll take that kid. Hand it over.
Rosetta makes a grab for her but Pebbles gets away. Wilma stands between them brandishing Fred’s club.
Wilma – If you want to get at my daughter you’ll going to have to go through me.
Rosetta runs to the door to get her own club just as Fred arrives. He looks in no condition to interfere. He is completely exhausted which is hardly surprising as he has broken the land speed record to get there. He staggers inside panting too hard to speak. His distress is short lived as Wilma’s words bring a big beaming smile to his sweat soaked face.
Wilma – Hi Honey, I’m so pleased you made it in time. For a horrible moment I thought we were going to have to start without you. Why don’t you look after Pebbles while you watch me take out the garbage?
Rosetta – Doesn’t it worry you that your husband wants to watch you fight me?
Wilma – No of course it doesn’t worry me. Fred likes watching attractive women fight. I know he finds you attractive so if he didn’t want to watch me beat you up then I would have something to worry about.
Rosetta nods in comprehension and moves to the attack. The swinging clubs clash as blows are blocked. Wilma is the first to realise after a few exchanges that they are too well matched to gain an advantage this way. Instead of blocking she ducks and then hits the swinging club from behind sending it flying from her rival’s grip. Wilma then swings around to line up Rosetta for the finishing blow. The club is still overhead when Rosetta strikes. She lunges at Wilma grapping her by the wrists and forcing her backwards. Bodies collide as the girls strain for control. Rosetta breaks the hold by leg tripping Wilma and sending them both sprawling to the floor. Wilma looses her club. Rosetta pounces on her when she goes after it. Wilma is hauled away from the club and then pinned by her rival.
The poor normally demure housewife doesn’t know what to do, until Rosetta makes a fatal mistake. She grabs Wilma by the hair. Nobody touches the hair. The housewife is transformed as Wilma explodes into action. She is no longer concerned with regaining her club. Every fibre of her being is concentrated on tearing her rival apart. She throws Rosetta off and leaps on top of her. The secretary fights back. Keeping the momentum going she rolls on impacts. Locked together the two fighters roll across the floor and back with Fred and Pebbles cheering Wilma on. They start on another tumble run but it is short lived. It comes to a stop in the middle of the floor with Wilma on top. With both hands buried in the brunette’s hair she drives Rosetta’s head into the floor until the secretary’s body goes limp. Wilma raises her unconscious rival’s head for one last time before letting it drop. Fred helps his wife up and proudly raises her arm in triumph. The cops arrive during the fight but have the good sense not to interfere. They arrest Rosetta and take her away.
I like the name Rosetta Stone for this character although I have also seen
. Most of the time she is referred to as Miss
Stone which I think sounds rather dumb.
There is no need for clothes to be torn off in the fight as it should be
in keeping with the rest of the movie. Sharon
2 - BLACK SHEEP (2006)
Danielle Mason as Experience vs Tandi Wright as Dr Rush
film could have been so much better. It
only had a tiny budget but it started off well enough. Angus Oldfield the older brother is shown as a
bully in childhood his victim being younger brother Henry. Angus inherits the family farm when he becomes
an adult which Henry avoids visiting as he has developed a sheep phobia. After
several years Henry plucks up enough courage to comes for a visit. He joins forces with a young conservationist
who is investigating reports of strange happenings on the farm. Another conservationist has already gone
missing. As the plot develops we find
that a Geneticist, Dr Rush, is responsible for genetically altering the sheep. A
failed experiment has resulted in highly contagious rabies like disease that
has turned the placid sheep into savage meat eaters. This is billed s a black comedy with a few
laughs in it and so far I’m enjoying it.
The brothers are both wimps but the female leads have definite promise. New Zealand
Experience the conservationist is lovely, feisty and determined to get to the bottom of what is going on. Dr Rush the young beautiful mad scientist clearly has her own agenda and intends to go ahead with her research whatever the consequences. Unfortunately about half way through the movie runs out of ideas. Instead of building up the Dr Rush character and her natural rivalry with Experience the script starts repeating itself. The novelty of people getting attacked and eaten by sheep wears off and gets old very quickly. Then to my horror they commit one of the cardinal sins of movie making. They take out the main villain. In a very short sequence Dr Rush is killed by the sheep. This leaves Angus on his own as the only bad guy and he is nowhere near up to it. He is far too weak and pathetic for the task. With all chance of a decent confrontation at the end of the movie gone the script writers concentrate on making him even more pitiful. They depict him as being in love with a sheep.
|Danielle Mason and Tandi Wright|
Instead of this I would have the two attractive young women in the cast have a proper confrontation ending up in a knock down drag out fight. What follows is my personal preference, not something I would insist on. With such a low budget movie I doubt if the money would stretch as far as employing stunt women. The important thing is having a good fight not the amount of clothing involved. If for reasons of modesty an actress objects to the scene then I would be happy to listen. If they enter into a scene like this reluctantly there is no way it is going to work. Hopefully this would be a tops optional fight in which the girls do not start out to undress each other but if a bra comes off it should not be viewed as an excuse to stop fighting. I would assume she would not want to be the only one topless.
From their first meeting it is obvious that the girls are ordained enemies. They trade insults and Experience lets the others know she wants to tear Dr Rush apart. This surprises the men as they thought she was a peace activist. For Dr Rush she will make an exception. Experience steals a brief case full of notes and laptop from the laboratory and hides them to avoid drawing attention to their removal. Angus discovers the briefcase and phones Dr Rush to tell her to bring the car around. It is time to leave before the cops get there. He puts the phone down and makes a run for it as his brother, Experience and their ally arrive to collect the briefcase. They chase after him and soon have him trapped. The only way to avoid the rampant sheep and get to the car is to cross a muddy pool of swamp like ground. The others are gaining on him so he tries to throw the brief case across the pool. It falls into the middle.
Experience is delighted by this. On the other side of the pool she sees Dr Rush trying to get to her case without getting dirty. Experience laughs at her as she removes her jeans. She explains quietly to the men as they tie Angus up that the only way to capture the mad scientist is to temp her into the pool and then overpower her. That way they get the evidence and her. Experience explains that she will go in alone because if either man accompanies her Dr Rush will simply drive away. Fears are expressed that the scientist will put up a fight; Experience just smiles as that is exactly what she is hoping for.
Across the pool Dr Rush is fuming. To avoid drawing attention to herself she can’t afford to get her only clothes covered in mud. Her body can be washed clean but she has no desire to strip off and fight the other girl. She is also finding the taunts harder to ignore. By the time Experience has stripped down to bra and panties they are getting very personal.
“Call yourself a dedicated scientist when you’re afraid of a bit of dirt.”
“You’re getting a sporting chance, one on one. What more do you want.”
“A real scientist wouldn’t hesitate, which defines you as a cowardly fake.”
That did it, Dr Rush removes her lab coat and throws it on to the back seat of her car. It is soon joined by her clothes and shoes. Stripped down to bra and panties she enters the pool seething with anger. Eagerly Experience moves towards her fizzing with anticipation. In the middle of the pool the girls clash in a writhing mass of fighting femininity. A supremely confident Experience has told the guys not to interfere. They are to relax and enjoy the fight. They do as they are told, cheering their champion on. The confidence seems well placed as she is getting the better of the fight. She soon looses her flimsy bra which makes her determined to rip her rival bare. She succeeds and waves her trophy in triumph. This gives Dr Rush the chance to grab the case and hurl it towards her side of the pool. The scientist goes after it with Experience in hot pursuit. She catches Dr Rush just short of the edge and the battle resumes with redoubled fury. From the opposite edge the men roar their approval.
If they had been paying more attention they would have noticed that the tide of battle had turned. Dr Rush is no longer worrying about getting her case to safety or about protecting her top. She is now fully focused on winning the fight. Splashing around in the middle was ineffective as she was unable to put her fists to good use. Now on the edge she pins her rival against the bank and is able to smash a series of punches into her rival’s unprotected body. The blows weaken her foe. Experience tries to escape and the roll over a couple of times. It does her no good. Dr Rush is soon back on top. Firmly gripping muddy blonde hair she drives the conservationist’s head into the mud. Desperately Experience struggles to her feet and calls for help. Dr Rush shuts her mouth with a right to the jaw that sends the battered blonde back into the mud. Help is on the way but can’t stop Dr Rush from escaping.
Dr Rush driving away would be a good place to end the movie. Nothing has been resolved but that is what sequels are for. There is also a good chance for a re-match. The movie is already R rated for horror sequences so censorship should not be a problem if the bras come off.
COMPLETE REWRITE NEEDED
(2004) – Sorry
Homer, they lost the plot. TROY
The movie’s publicity proudly claims that it is “inspired by Homer’s Iliad,” rather than based on. The main differences revolve around the elimination of the Greek Gods and Goddesses from the story. This is fair enough up to a point as we no longer believe in them. Unfortunately their elimination distorts the balance between the sexes and no attempt is made to set things straight. It has little to do with history either although I do feel it has a right to be called an EPIC. It is without doubt an Expensive Piece of Inaccurate Crap.
Three of the strongest characters in the Iliad are female. It is the Goddesses Hera, Athena and Aphrodite who set the whole thing off, by arguing and then fighting over a present addressed to the most beautiful Goddess of them all. Zeus, all-powerful King of the Gods intervenes but is not prepared to pick which one of them deserves the present. The reason why is quite simple, he’s not stupid. He knows that the two he doesn’t pick will resent it and even the most powerful being in the known universe has no desire to face the fury of two such formidable females. In a maneuver worthy of a politician, he delegates the decision to somebody else.
gets the job and all three goddesses try to bribe him. He chooses Aphrodite who offers him any woman
he wants, over the other two who only offer him power over men. He wants Helen so Aphrodite organizes it and
from then on the mortals are part of a giant war game as the Gods and Goddesses
interfere with what is happening on Earth.
This is of course a very brief summery done only to explain how entwined
the original story was with Greek Mythology. Paris
With all the powerful female characters eliminated, the ones left should step up to fill the void. The game is still on, but they are no longer pawns they are
should act accordingly. Not doing so
results in what I consider to be an absurd situation. Helen puts her own personal happiness over
that of the fate of nations, but is not portrayed as being arrogant. You gotta be kidding. There is also Andromache, wife of Prince
Hector to consider. She has a wonderful
life until Helen arrives at . Her husband will be the next King of Troy and
she will be its Queen, and they have a baby they both love. Because of Helen, her husband is killed, Troy is destroyed and she
and baby are forced to flee in fear of their lives. . Despite this not once in the whole movie does
she get in the least bit annoyed with the person responsible. I don’t see how, any woman destined to rule
could be that much of a wimp. Troy
Diane Kruger and Saffron Burrows, the two actresses involved, would have I’m sure preferred some more meaty dialogue. I found no indication from their body language that that they like each other, and may have welcomed the chance to get physical. I found their big scene together after Hector is killed most unrealistic. This is when Helen (Diane) tries to comfort a sobbing Andromache (Saffron.) The logical person to comfort her is the Queen who has just lost her son. I think most women in that situation would be more interested in clobbering the person responsible with a sword rather than getting a half hearted hug from them. There was coldness about the embrace that suggested to me that they knew it was all wrong. Perhaps they would rather have fought. This brings up the problem of their size difference. Saffron is a lot taller than Diane. I think it best to recast the movie and get two girls that are more curvaceous as well as the same height.
I would call my movie Helen of Troy and make her the central character. She is trapped in a loveless marriage as a trophy wife to a man much older than her. Freedom arrives in the form of Paris a young prince from
. They fall in love and escape together with
surprising ease. While her husband the
King Menelaus of Troy
is said to be in a terrible rage Helen is cynical about his reaction. She knows that he doesn’t love her and that
he and King Agamemnon of Sparta
have been planning an attack on Mycenae . Helen is not the reason thaey plan to attack,
she is merely the excuse. Convincing the
women of Troy of
this is however very difficult. Her
meeting with the royal family is frosty.
She gets on well with the men who like the way she dresses and acts, but
badly with the women who don’t. If that
wasn’t bad enough she is also the only blonde in the city. A few days after
arrival she hears that a meeting of all the women of the ruling class will take
place to decide her fate. Troy
Helen suspects it is being organized by Andromache, Hector’s wife and her most outspoken critic. At the welcome home reception their eyes had met across a crowded room, and it was hate at first sight. Second sight didn’t help much either as the Trojan Princess clearly resented the amount of attention Helen was getting from her husband. Helen is also being shunned by the women of
. They are ignoring her greetings and avoiding
eye contact. The gorgeous Greek knows she
must deal with their leader. Helen sees
her outside the palace talking to some friends. Unlike the others Andromache
does not turn from her gaze, but stares back defiantly. Slowly, menacingly Helen moves towards the Trojan
Princess. Hands on hips and eyes locked
with those of her approaching nemesis, Andromache stands her ground. If the Spartan Queen is looking for a fight,
she won’t need a map. Troy
Helen – You have all the women of
talking about me instead of to me. How
dare you treat me like this, Housewife of Hector? I demand the respect that I deserve or there
will be consequences. Troy
Andromache – Don’t threaten me Helen of Whores. You are getting what you deserve. Leave immediately so that the Greeks have no reason to come or you will be put of trial.
Helen – Is that what the meeting in the temple tonight is about? All the women of
gathered together to invent a crime they
imagine I have committed. Are you also
planning to discuss what form the trial will take? Troy
Andromache – Your crime is that your arrival has put
in danger. The form of the trial has
already been decided. It will be trial
by combat. Troy
Helen – Will I get to face you in this trial or have you a worthy opponent in mind? I’m happy to wrestle your husband if he’s available.
Andromache – You will be facing me as I have no intention of letting anyone else have the pleasure of killing you.
Helen – Well if that’s the case forget about your stupid meeting and let us go straight to the trial. I know I’m not invited but I will be at your temple at sunset. Does that meet with your approval or are you all talk?
Andromache – I have wanted this since the day you arrived. I will be more than ready for you.
A small crowd had gathered during the confrontation hoping it would get violent. They rapidly disperse when they find out that Royalty does not brawl in public. One of Andromache’s friends is appointed to act as Helen’s second and help her prepare. No men will be allowed to attend their duel. Officially it is a religious ceremony in honor of the fertilely goddess. Some men are suspicious but don’t feel they are missing out on much as their wives hurry to the temple. A central area has been marked out and the women cluster around eager for a good view. The Queen calls for order and the two combatants make their entrance. Helen enters first wearing an off the shoulder white dress that only reaches the upper thighs of her lovely legs. The dress is loose fitting with a knotted red sash acting as a belt. This emphasizes the slimness of Helen’s waist and the full firmness of her breasts. The sash is set off by matching red sandals. The outfit is both attractive and practical for fighting but the crowd doesn’t seem to care. The temple echoes with the sound of their booing.
This is replaced by cheering and the chant of Andy, Andy, Andy, as Andromache enters the arena. She is in an identical white dress with golden sash and sandals. Many in the crowd are surprised at how stunning she looks. Others are just glad she decided to dress for the occasion. Her normal attire of modest floor length gown would have put Andy at a serious disadvantage. She smiles as she acknowledges the cheers, before directing a look of venomous hatred at the smoldering blonde. The Queen calls for order as an assistant presents the fighters with a jeweled box which contains two identical ceremonial daggers. The girls choose their weapons and move to opposite sides of the arena. Cries of, “cut her to ribbons Andy,” ring out as the Queen signals the start of the duel. The crowd roars its approval as the two fighters nod their readiness to start and move towards the centre of the arena and each other.
The crowd’s approval doesn’t last past the first two clashes. Helen is swift, graceful and skilled with a blade. Andromache is awkward, slow to react and obviously untrained. Cries of mismatch are heard. Fickle friends remind Andy of her earlier boasts. Helen isn’t happy either. There is no credit to be gained from winning such a one sided fight. She decides to change tactics and humiliate her rival. Andy charges her foe spurred on by stubborn pride. Helen side step as her flashing blade slices through the sash. Andy aims a vicious hack at Helen’s head but it only succeeds in cutting off a lock of hair. Helens blade cuts into the dress on the next pass. The girls separate and size up the situation.
Helen is feeling pleased as she hears laughter from some of the crowd. Andy is always immaculately dressed in public. To have her outfit reduced to rags is intolerable. She charges Helen once more slashing wildly. The Spartan Queen is ready for her. With a skillful blow from her dagger Helen knocks her attacker’s blade from her hand. Helen dodges Andy’s but as she blunders past the blonde grabs the already ruined dress and rips it off. The normally modest princess has been stripped to just her tiny loincloth and sandals. Apart from suppressed giggles and envious comments the crowd hushes in anticipation of her next move. Some expected the Princess to be embarrassed and cover herself as she fled. It was soon obvious that she had no intention of doing so. She had good reason to be proud of her beautiful body and is enjoying the admiration of those less physically blessed. She strikes a deviant pose, hands on hips glaring at her adversary.
Helen – Well isn’t that interesting. What a surprisingly nice body you have. You are however delusional if you think it’s as good as mine.
Helen picks up Andy’s dagger and throws it in her direction. The dagger lands at her feet. Andy bends down but instead of picking up her dagger she removes her sandals and hurls them at Helen.
Andy – If you’re so sure of that why don’t you lose the dress and try and prove it. Let’s finish this hand to hand.
The crowd loves the idea and start to chant, hand to hand, hand to hand. The Greek girl smiles as she goes over to where the Queen and Artemisia are sitting in the front row. Helen takes off her sandals and hands them to her second. She then removes her sash to loosen her dress in preparation for stripping off. At this point she pauses as she notices that the Queen is unhappy. The older woman stands and motions the crowd to silence so that everyone can hear.. Surely she can’t be thinking of trying to stop the fight. The way the crowd was getting worked up it could end in a riot.
The Queen – The original agreement was that Andromache and Helen would fight with daggers until one of them was unwilling or unable to continue. Am I to understand from your actions Helen that you are prepared to waive your right to claim victory.
Helen – I feel I can only claim victory when my opponent knows she is beaten. I am quite happy to continue the fight on equal terms..
With a flourish Helen strips off her dress and tosses it aside. The crowd gasps in appreciation. Stripped to just a loin cloth Helen is a vision of goddess like beauty. Even Andy is impressed by the slimness of her rival’s waist and the firmness of her magnificent breasts. The Trojan princess has another reason to hate the Spartan Queen and starts to move towards her. She stops just out of range. The queen is still standing a sure indication she hasn’t finished speaking. Slowly the crowd gets the message and falls silent.
The Queen – I will permit the fight to continue on one condition, that you fight as women not as animals. You can wrestle, no holds barred. You can punch each other for all you are worth but there will be no clawing or biting. Is that clearly understood?
The fighters nod their agreement so the Queen sits and an instant later battle resumes. Without waiting for a signal to start Andy lands the first punch, a left hook to Helen’s jaw which sends the blonde staggering. The wild right hook that follows just grazes the top of Helens head as she ducks under it. A solid left thumps into Andy’s belly as Helen hits back. For the next few minutes the girls slug it out. The crowd cheer their champion on, delighted that the fight is now more even. Andy is throwing more punches but many of them are missing their intended target. She is trying for a knockout without any thought to setting it up. Helen is not hitting as often, butshe is hitting harder. She is working on her foe’s body, especially the vulnerable flanks between hips and ribcage.
Andy is getting hurt and changes tactics. She retreats and tries to hold Helen off with her left jab. She is a little taller than Helen with a slightly longer reach but it does her no good. Helen attacks ignoring the feeble blow she collects on the way in. In close the blonde hammers at Andy’s midsection. The Trojan girl can’t take any more of this and folds her attacker up in a clinch. Helen does her best to keep punching. Andy knows she can’t continue like this. She grabs Helen around the neck and throws her to the floor. The girls roll across the floor as the crowd cheers them on. The motion comes to a stop with Helen on top. She has a strangulation grip on Andy and is slowly choking her.
Unable to get a good grip on her rival’s throat Andy tries to claw at the blonde’s face, going for her eyes. Helen releases her hold to avoid injury and bounces to her feet. Andy’s illegal tactics have been noticed by some in the crowd who voice their disapproval. The brunette is untroubled by this as she gets up and goes after Helen. She gets in a couple of failing punches but gets more than she bargained for in return. Two left jabs to the face followed by a massive right to the belly leave her winded. Helen could have continued the barrage but is in no hurry to end the fight. She is enjoying it too much and wants to win the crowd as well. Helen throws Andy to the floor and leaps on top of her.
They roll across the floor once more, hands buried in hair, legs locked together and breasts grinding. Andy is growing weaker as the rolling stops and Helen pins her down. She has knocked most of the fight out of the Trojan beauty but is determined to prolong the fight as long as she can. With the doors locked and full of people the temple is getting hot and stuffy. The two fighters are soaked with sweat. Slowly and sensuously Helen slithers her way up her rival’s body. She positions herself as if she is about to poke out an eye with a hardened nipple, but goes instead for a breast smother. This gets the inevitable result. Andy tries to bite her way out of the suffocation hold.
Helen leaps to her feet rubbing her attacked breast. She exaggerates the pain for dramatic effect. She had felt the teeth as expected but was able to get up before blood was spilt. She grabs Andy by the hair and hauls the Trojan to her feet. An unanswered left and right to the belly send the brunette sprawling. Helen dives on her the impact sending them to the edge of the arena. Straddling her exhausted foe Helen decides to end the fight and starts to strangle the Trojan. She didn’t intend to kill Andy but it certainly felt like it to the battered brunette. Fear of imminent death kicked in the last reserves of strength. As she twisted unsuccessfully to try and break the hold she noticed her dagger lay within grabbing distance. Andy instantly stopped trying to loosen her enemy’s grip and went instead for her discarded weapon.
Helen only just avoided getting stabbed. Grabbing hold of Andy’s wrist she pulls her up. The Trojan’s left lands a punch but there is no power in it. When they are both back on their feet Helen pulls Andy towards her and on to a right to the lower belly with all the weight of the gorgeous Greek behind it. Andy’s eyes glaze over; the dagger drops to the floor as she falls to her knees. Helen grips the left wrist with her right hand as she prepares to deliver the coup de grace; a devastating knee to the jaw that sends her unconscious rival to the floor. As a bonus it seems to be quite a popular win. The crowd has enjoyed the fight although they did not appreciate Andy’s attempts to fight dirty or her use of a weapon. The Queen comes over to congratulate Helen and raise her hand in triumph. as Andy is rolled on to a stretcher and carried from the arena.
The Queen – Listen my people; this lady has fought well and earned our respect. From this day on she shall be know as Helen of Troy.
The fight would happen fairly early in the movie and I haven’t re-scripted the rest of it. I don’t see much point in making too many changes to the original as you still need the wooden horse. Since Helen is now the central character I like the idea of her advising against bringing it inside the city. The King goes against her advice and insists that the horse comes inside the city walls. Helen is not convinced and is prepares for trouble. She arms herself with a sword and in company with Andromache fight their way out of the doomed city.